family life

Hey you know what? This starts getting complicated all too quickly: Writing about things personal to you. Not wanting to offend anyone. Not wanting to be misunderstood. All these things.

Today I got to thinking about when we got married because one of the DJs I listen to on the radio is getting married… again. Let me just say that’s one thing I’ve managed to do right so far anyhow: Only getting married once. I don’t say that to moralize. I’m saying it from a totally pragmatic point of view. From hearing all the stories from folks with multiple marriages, I’m glad I’ve muddled through to still be in my first. Beyond that though, I’ve probably not done exceptionally well when it comes to married life. So, if I grade myself against every contemporary person that’s been married at least once, I might go like an A- or so. But if I compared against just those that married only once for as long or longer than we have, I might grade myself as a C at best.

Informality might be one of the things that brings the grade down for me right from the beginning. We lived together for several years before getting married at all. Some people nowadays see that as an advantage because you supposedly get to know the other person. Having done it, I can’t say that I agree with it. Because the relationship is so highly conditional in a living together situation and sometimes even a married one, you never really get to be yourselves. So how can you become known? You’re always trying to live up to each others expectations.

Its funny how many things seem so inconsequential when it comes to informal marriage relationships. For years I thought we’d gotten together by mutual agreement. But now, thirty years later that’s called into question. She says I moved in on her without her knowledge or consent. Looking back, I can even see it from her perspective. But all I can say is it didn’t feel that way to me at the time. Now I can see where having right off the bat established this is what we’re doing and that is when its happening might have been a better way of going about things.

When we finally did get married, once again it was highly informal. We got together early one morning with her former youth minister and the geese at City Park Lake. Afterwards the three of us (minus the geese) went to Village Inn for breakfast. Our “honeymoon” was comprised of driving up to Red Feather Lakes to go fishing only to turn around and come back to our apartment that very night because the weather turned bad.

Many years later I got involved in wedding photography for a short time. Long enough to witness a variety of wedding styles. I wish we’d have had a formal ceremony of some scope. I’ve seen ones where the bride and groom seem totally stressed out and exhausted by the whole process and that’s no good. But I’ve also seen some where the bride and groom seemed to be having the time of their lives. That’s how it should be I think. What a great way to start out.

So what am I saying here? I tend to fall into regret all too easily and I suppose that’s a facet of what I’m doing here. But more than that, I’m trying to express that what may seem like inconsequential decisions at one point can morph and impact the future in ways that probably weren’t thought about at the time the decisions were being made. For those who choose to make marriage a part of their lives, it invariable will make a major impact upon your life. So take your time, think it through and make sure your actions on the front end are ones you’ll be proud to look back on years later.

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